On stereotypes and labels

At this point in my life the label that hits closest to home is definitely Mother. I am a mother after all, and even in my profession I often find that women are maternalized. So for me what does it mean to be maternal?

Maternal figures are supposed to be: warm, loving, nurturing. I think of one of the books I read to my children, Leo the Late Bloomer. Leo's dad is demanding, he's unhappy with his Leo and wants to know why he isn't as smart as all his friends. Leo's mother hugs and kisses her Leo; he's perfect just as he is. There's nothing wrong with Leo, he's just a late bloomer. Of course Mom is right and by the end of the book Leo has bloomed. And while I see it as a huge oversimplification, I am also motivated by that kind of image. I want to be the loving, nurturing mother figures, who gives guidance lovingly and hugs generously.

Mothers take care of others, we are supposed to put our own needs aside. Bad mothers are the ones who put themselves first. Truth is it's impossible to always push your own needs to the side. I would even argue that I'm a better mother for the fact that I can sometimes assert the need to sleep in, the need to get my work done, the need to get away. But that's going against my role and I know it, and those who depend on me to care for them are quick to remind me if I forget. One problem I have with the idealized image of the Mother is that it's such a self-negating role. It's not just that I have failed to be the perfect mother; the truth is I'm not even trying for it. My goal is the Good Enough Mother.

The other side of being maternal is that often Mom is the meanie. Mothers are the ones who put their foot down, insist the room must be cleaned, the bed made, the dog fed. "No," Mom says, "you can't have cookies for breakfast." Mom is the one who scoots you out the door to school and makes sure the homework is done. Moms nag. I nag. I hate nagging, but I do it. I can tell you the reason Moms nag is we feel ignored. As for the solution? There is none because in fact most of us DO ignore our moms, especially when they are nagging us.

There is also a lot of cultural baggage that comes with being a mother. Every choice I make turns out to have political or ideological implications whether I want it or not. Stay-at-home or working mom? Public school or private? Church-goer or not? Spankings or time-outs? McDonalds or Whole Foods? Ugh. I hate all of that crap. Motherhood shouldn't be a battleground, ideological or otherwise, it's a long, loving journey with set-backs and triumphs, best enjoyed in the company of others.

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